Satirical Immigration Update

In the spirit of the Tea Party State of the Union Address, Michelle Bachmann (R-MN), Steve King (R-IA) and Louie Gohmert (R-TX) called a press conference to address the President’s recent remarks on unilateral immigration policy reforms available to him under the authority of his office:

“Why, you would have had to have been vaccinated against HPV and suffered retardation to not realize that our borders need tightening,” said Michelle Bachmann, (R-MN), whose eyes in no way indicated her as a crazy person. She was speaking, of course, in support of the latest immigration plan proposed by Representatives Steve King (R-IA) and Louie Gohmert (R-TX). Both King and Gohmert were with her, crowded around a podium in front of ten microphones.

“This plan is a fair and balanced approach to discouraging unwanted immigration, such as the Central American children that have overflowed from our immigration detention facilities and been abandoned to Greyhound. This is also in response to credible new threats,” Bachmann explained.

Rep. King had recently shared his theory on how immigrants who were brought into the country as children and had graduated high school in the US had “calves the size of cantaloupes because they’re hauling 75 pounds of marijuana through the desert,” and now talked about how he had been expanding on it. “We have seen that Mexican drug cartels now have the technology to create Mexican drug mules with quadriceps the size of watermelons.”

“They [undocumented immigrants] can now climb our fences with a Jihadi soldier from Iraq’s new Al-Quaeda on their back, almost in a single leap on 30% of our border fence,” King said. Gohmert added, “Sneaking them in on Mexican-back is far more effective than anything we had seen before. I also heard Obamacare would cover all their medical expenses related to crossing the desert once they’re on our soil,” said Rep. Louie Gohmert. He then explained how this was a diabolic improvement on his previous “terror babies” theory of women from the Middle East being paid to have a child in the United States and raise it as a terrorist with U.S. citizenship.

“These terror babies weigh practically nothing, and can fit in a backpack alongside a suitcase nuke,” said Gohmert, becoming visibly excited as his grip on the podium seemed to spasm and shake. “I’m not saying that the improvements on Herman Cain’s heavily-electrified border wall need to be drastic: an electrified moat with crocodile-drones is just one way we can go,” exclaimed Gohmert as Anderson Cooper looked on helplessly, frustrated and on the brink of tears. Gohmert continued intensely into his microphone.

“We know that it’s going to be a tough sell on border-states that have family members on both sides, but, even though this measure will be more costly than the rest of our federal infrastructure projects combined, I think it accurately represents the desires of my district’s off-year primary voters,” explained King.